Insanity

It has arrived

full blown hatred

threats of suicide

physical attacks

mental attacks

total mayhem

There is no reason

shall I call EMTs

or the police or let

it all blow over

in the morning no

remembrance

Except I remember

everything as days

pass in misery over

and over and over

I try, I give, I do all

I can from love

Insanity doesn’t know

love and compassion

or appreciation for

what it takes to care

for a loved one with

Alzheimer’s Disease

It is a lonely journey

it is a thankless journey

it is a brutal journey

tomorrow it begins again

again the struggle to

survive another day

Song

I had a song

in my head

actually

it was a motion picture

many people were talking all at once

I couldn’t understand anyone

Loud motorcycles screamed in my ears

the TV droned on and on

I had a song in my head

I switched the song off 

Thanksgiving 2014

Giving thanks in many thoughts coming and going

Giving thanks for what is right here before me

Giving thanks for who went before me

Giving thanks for all who go beyond

We Hung the Dali Today

Erin climbed on the couch

I selected the height

she measured to center it

it is so fine as we enjoy it

Tonight Miami lost to Denver

as I poached salmon in miso

soy sauce and ginger while I

regaled looking at Dali in

daffodils

I Think I Wanted You

I think I wanted you

but I was afraid of you

for you are so strong

I didn’t think I could

live up to what you

want, need, desire

I think I settled for less

I think I missed  passion

I know I wonder often

I Think I Wanted You

I think I wanted you

but I was afraid of you

for you are so strong

I didn’t think I could

live up to what you

want, need, desire

I settled for less

did I miss passion

for this has been ok

Art

We went shopping today

I bought numbered prints

Dali, Chagall, a Haitian painting

I am thrilled with this art 

can’t wait to hang them

but, is this poetry I’m writing? 

Yesterday’s Garden

I trimmed the pool garden

it had become out of control

I dove into dense foliage

giving light to vamped orchids

hidden from attraction

I gleaned three bags full

my shoulders joyously sore

I love to tend my gardens

I will glean more tomorrow

outside gardens beg attention

I Wish

I wish to be a caterpillar

all those feet and bristles

always advance or retreat

orbital eyes see everything

I would love to undulate

in a lovely fur coat across

lovely beds of succulents

brushing not eating as

Snails munch holes in

leaves and destroy roots

and I must give them

a shot of beer to destroy

Their eating of succulents 

for they love to get high

on beer just like me as I

relax while snails drink

Just Like Lightening

I was cooking

bringing it all together

It began lightening

dinner done

I cruised outside

for the light show

He ate alone

I couldn’t leave

Now I dine

on excellence

It is so good

sharp and peppery

just like lightening

Fancy Pants

I used to swing

high showing

ruffled panties

I was only five.

Only five I felt

an orgiastic pull

I was sensual

is it natural?

At five heady I

pumped that swing

higher and higher

a thrumming bird.

As I got older I

settled into cotton

plain and white

no more erotica.

Now I shop at VS

sexy panties win me

with enchantment

fancy pants.

Too Hot!

Everything is too Hot

Hot intercommunication

tempers and issues Hot

Melt down occurs each

day is a roller coaster

I stretch and meditate

the black hulk demands

constant attention with

numerous attacks as

to being left out and he

is my constant attention

January 10, 2010

Conspicuous

I am a fraud, I can’t do this

strong woman, endearing spouse

we are neither of them, I can’t do this.

It is too hard to entirely give up myself

I have too much ego. I am caught

in a snare of self and there is no place

for self in this endeavor, this demand

by a stronger than I am man, a man

without reason, a man screaming

to maintain control in his out of

control existence.  A man used to

complete control, and I think he will,

without intention, crush me.

I cannot do this.

February 13, 2014

He sent me sailing through space

I crashed breaking my humerus

surgery, a plate and thirteen screws

physical therapy still to this day

in early May, with yet months to go

he was out of control.

I cannot do this.

Lunch with Susan

“You have free will,” she said.

“I do?”  “I do,” I said, a new

phenomenon for my way of 

living my life cowed by him

who tells me how it is

how it will be forever and ever

in his threatening voice and

facial grimaces and I wonder

at me and how I have endured

this for what seems like forever

still, I cower, I am at fault

for I never should have allowed

the cowing bowing down to him

I have free will, she said so.

Loss

Grieved we mourn loss

loved one taken away

without our permission

a hole where they were

in our lives while they

travel planes unknown

We miss them sorely

while they are freed

from pain and sorrow

as they plane through

peaks and troughs

through eternity

In bliss with freedom

from all agony they

smile down on us and

wish they could tell us

how wonderful it will be

when we travel unknowns

I, Poetry

I, Poetry

I want to write a poem

they’re all jangled up

inside me they write

but I can’t get them out

Maybe I expect too little

of me or too much of poetry

but I can’t get them out

they’re way inside me

Here

What a word

taken for granted

Here

My Tree

Hit by lightening

it bled out

The tree must

be cut down

Each day scorch 

all more evident

I remember the

hit that drove

me to dive

below my desk

Angry Night

The hounds bay

it is unsafe, yet I

persevere with my

intent to educate

The hounds bay

you have yourself

your agenda which

absents you forever

You are stubborn

you have your agenda

which fails you daily

when I only want love

You just don’t get it

you could have it all

if you could lighten up

give instead of take

Tried

I lie my head

on my desk

I’m tired

I tried gently

at first yet it

wasn’t good

It did not go

so well as he

railed against

Everything

especially me

as I tried 

To connect

with him for

he and me

I tried and failed

I lie my head down

on my desk

I am tired

Convolutions

The brain works

through convolutions

down the rabbit hole

sense to some yet

crazy to others

I am caught in crazy

no sense to anything

convolutions array in

serious brain issues

his brain is fried

Trying to communicate

over and over again yet

not getting through I yell

the worst thing I can do

trying to make my point

It is pointless to point

to ways that could work

in a mind that is gone

yet I try all the time

I don’t get it either

I really need to get

smart to do it right

for I am not doing it

well for either of us

disappointed in me

Sweet Brown Gravy

Sweet Brown Gravy

Sinuous and hard he
moves in undulations
without trying I'm
captivated by his ease
he aims to please and
he succeeds again and
again as I writhe on
cool pressed sheets

Trying to Find

Trying to find
anything at all
that has meaning
in this fucked up
world of crazy
special interests.
What's wrong
with that?

Trying to find
a palace, just
a simple place
that overlooks
the roaring sea.
Driftwood, trees
scatter beach with
water sculptures.

Trying to find
anything that means
sense to anyone who
can teach me anything.
What fresh air would
that be for me, who
has always wanted, to
find perfection.

The Door

How many times

I have wanted

to walk out

never come back

I am getting better

each day a triumph

mixed sometimes

with great difficulty

I am determined

I pray for compassion

unselfishness, patience

I pray for indifference

If I am indifferent

we can survive

Winsome

He seemed so

but he wasn’t

so it seems

life went on

he and me

so it seemed

Now I know 

he isn’t nice

not winsome

I cast him out

wouldn’t take

him back yet

in a heartbeat

tragedy arose

I took him home

It seemed well

for a week and

now the ogre

raises his head

I am in fear and

sadly disappointed

He seemed so

winsome but he

has his agenda

To win me he fails

over and over again

he must leave

Blighted

Are we blighted before we’re born

ancestral sins we innocents pay for

is it happenstance what comes to us

whether gifts abound or sorrows

is it just “the luck of the draw” that

pays out as we move through life

I only know good things come and

not so good things happenstance

I think it is the luck of the draw

I Never Get It Right

I never fucking get it right

no matter my intent I fail

I think my intent is helpful

Who the fuck am I to think

I can get it right I am no one

no one from nowhere 

I never fucking get it right

no matter my intent

I am going nowhere

Till Death Do Us Part

I have no words with which to speak

they mill through my head I can’t say

for words said are my own impressions

often different from others’ perspectives

I floss through memory as to what was said

I let it fly straight outta my head

for what are words but machinations to get you

When the Whistle Blows

When the whistle blows

it shrills my ears

soot rains down

in greasy smears

when the whistle blows

engine chugs

gray smoke billows behind 

steel wheels grind rails

gain momentum  

metal shrieks against metal

I am safe in my seat

the iron beast takes me away

from fear and injury

as I rock to and fro balanced

steel on steel I steal away

Quibble

Quibble

We quibble over everything

to the point that I fall apart

and nothing gets decided

yet the clock hands race and

we must come to agreement

time is money, big money

Conversing, you are as abusive

as when I went crashing into

bone breaking oblivion sailing

past my feet scrambling for stasis

landing in hospital for surgery

plate and thirteen screws in my arm

You beg me to let you come home

you tell me you are different

now that you are on medication

but you don’t sound different

you sound forceful and it is as always

all about you

You plead but you are you and I am done

You ask me to discharge you to die

you would never kill yourself but I won’t

risk that and so the phone calls go on 

and now I won’t answer for I can’t take

abuse piled upon abuse as I sit here hurt

Sit here hurting and hurting and hurting

and you can only talk about your frustration

because you aren’t living in your lovely home

with your lovely wife that you so adore and

you didn’t mean to break my humerus, surgery

months of PT and loss of full range of motion